It is negative 2 degrees Celcius. They said it is a matter of getting used to, and it is. I was wearing no gloves and no shawl - just my plain jacket that I bought for 4 Euro in a thrift shop. But today is different, there is something that I have to get used to which I am not ready to accept and which I might not be willing to accept. Negative 2 degrees is nothing compared to the freezing reality that a great friend died. How? Just so! No sign, no nothing. In this times, I blame life for taking so many dear people from me. Life is a bitch!
Spring is approaching, birds sing to me in the mornings - they signal new life, new color, and the promise of the sun. But my life went back to winter, it is now again gloomy and cold.
Sitting on the bus full of people, each thinking of what they have to do for the day - all are busy with their lives. I am there too but my mind is wandering somewhere, thinking of the last day I saw Manong Ivan before I left the country.
Tears well up my eyes, they wanted to fall and be free but I tried to hold them. Not giving them the permission to tint my eyes again with red.
The train is about to leave. I rushed in and find my place. Away from the others as the others wanted to. You are an island here... Arriving in my station, I decided to take slow steps. What the heck!? There is no rush. Let them run to catch their next trains but I will take my time.
The tears are back again, I try to hold them back still until I could not breath. It is like choking, no air coming in and out. It is true that you can't control nature. It will always find its way and the well of tears flowed out of my eyes. I could not hold it back anymore, there is no way. The red tint is back and my eyes swell from crying.
Life must go on! Easy to say, always hard to do. Manong Ivan once tried to teach me how. He killed my teddy bear, he said it is a simulation for parting ways. That was hard and that was one of the most painful joke he did to me. He likes to see me crying, I think.
A friend told me that Manong Ivan's last prank to all (his death) is effective - he made me cry and so I made him happy. But if I cry too much, he will be sad. He does not want depressed people.
BUT I will remain depressed for some days (my hard head and me)... But I will again learn to live soon.
Farewell Manong Ivan... Please hug Tito Bico for me!
And my teddy bear has survived your attack!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Untitled 1, 18.12.08
“Where did Mama go?” she asked. “Mama went somewhere and she might not be back very soon” said the father to his 3 year old daughter.
She is now 25 years old. And her Mama did never come back and her father died 6 years ago. Where is she now?
Where is she now?
The last time I saw her was when I am in a local Café one Saturday afternoon. She was there in another table; she is reading a book. What book? I could not say. She has liked books since she was small. I saw her grow up as a beautiful and intelligent young lady. I never knew she is also into “good” coffee like her father. I watched her with the eyes of a father, wondering she will soon be.
The place got crowded. Saturday afternoon is a busy time in this side of the town. Many Chinese businessmen and businessmen considers this place as their meeting place to talk about different sort of things. And, I notice that this had been considered by some as their short vacation off their own businesses. As always as the situation is, they are so loud. But that did not affect the young lady on the other table. She is sitting still while reading a book. She sips her coffee as if it is in a play and that she should do it correctly and gracefully.
Where is she now?
She died like how her mother died. No one could explain how and why.
She is now 25 years old. And her Mama did never come back and her father died 6 years ago. Where is she now?
Where is she now?
The last time I saw her was when I am in a local Café one Saturday afternoon. She was there in another table; she is reading a book. What book? I could not say. She has liked books since she was small. I saw her grow up as a beautiful and intelligent young lady. I never knew she is also into “good” coffee like her father. I watched her with the eyes of a father, wondering she will soon be.
The place got crowded. Saturday afternoon is a busy time in this side of the town. Many Chinese businessmen and businessmen considers this place as their meeting place to talk about different sort of things. And, I notice that this had been considered by some as their short vacation off their own businesses. As always as the situation is, they are so loud. But that did not affect the young lady on the other table. She is sitting still while reading a book. She sips her coffee as if it is in a play and that she should do it correctly and gracefully.
Where is she now?
She died like how her mother died. No one could explain how and why.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
when it rains, it pours
And today, Typhoon Karen hit the north of the Philippines. And so the typhoon with my lovelife hit me today so hard it almost knocked me. Referring to the "guy whom I cannot have" I have decided to let it go. Not yet fully dropped the idea of having him but really working hard on it especially now that he is flirting again. Oh, men! Hahaha... He was watching the series SEX AND THE CITY and he texted me that he realized I belong to Europe or the US because I think alike the women there. Asking him why, he said that I am living my life and enjoying it with no pretentions. Well, I can be so honest with LOVE. And another strong wind was brought by the typhoon - the German future. R texted me asking me the cliches and telling me he would like to hear from me. So I went online and told him to message me. He did and he was so charming. And he made one of my birthday wishes come true - to have a nice chat with him. I posted 10 birthday wishes in facebook days ago... and it came true. He made it come true. However, like the "guy whom I cannot have", he is also someone whom I cannot be with. He is in Germany and the future of us is not really that feasible.
SO, there I go again. Always into someone I cannot have. Hahaha... WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS ENTRY? It is the same story!
SO, there I go again. Always into someone I cannot have. Hahaha... WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS ENTRY? It is the same story!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
i WANT what I can NEVER have
I took me ages before I realized what is so obvious - that I have always wanted what I cannot have. Though this is not true in all aspects of my life. Sadly, this is the reality of my LOVE LIFE - a TRAGEDY ever since.
Hang ups - this is what I have until now because of one guy whom I CANNOT HAVE. He likes me, I like him BUT I just missed my chance with him and up to this very moment, I still WANT him to be MINE. My favorite cousin/devil's advocate is RIGHT - that I am just up for the challenge. I always go for guys whom I know is not right for me or someone right but is with the "righter" girl. Hahah... I am a FOOL!!! A genuine fool.
The only person who can end this senseless challenge is me... BUT honestly I don't want it to end.
This is the point where I ask myself "WHY?" Hmmm... I am not sure. Maybe this is one way to free myself from relationships which I seem not to stand. I might have been avoiding being involved. It might have been a subconscious effort to be LEFT ALONE and do WHATEVER I WANT. Hmmm... In a great degree, this is true. Let me have some thought about this more and I will update you about my future realizations.
I JUST LOVE THE GUY WHOM I CANNOT HAVE!!! Harharhar...
Hang ups - this is what I have until now because of one guy whom I CANNOT HAVE. He likes me, I like him BUT I just missed my chance with him and up to this very moment, I still WANT him to be MINE. My favorite cousin/devil's advocate is RIGHT - that I am just up for the challenge. I always go for guys whom I know is not right for me or someone right but is with the "righter" girl. Hahah... I am a FOOL!!! A genuine fool.
The only person who can end this senseless challenge is me... BUT honestly I don't want it to end.
This is the point where I ask myself "WHY?" Hmmm... I am not sure. Maybe this is one way to free myself from relationships which I seem not to stand. I might have been avoiding being involved. It might have been a subconscious effort to be LEFT ALONE and do WHATEVER I WANT. Hmmm... In a great degree, this is true. Let me have some thought about this more and I will update you about my future realizations.
I JUST LOVE THE GUY WHOM I CANNOT HAVE!!! Harharhar...
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