well of tears

It is negative 2 degrees Celcius. They said it is a matter of getting used to, and it is. I was wearing no gloves and no shawl - just my plain jacket that I bought for 4 Euro in a thrift shop. But today is different, there is something that I have to get used to which I am not ready to accept and which I might not be willing to accept. Negative 2 degrees is nothing compared to the freezing reality that a great friend died. How? Just so! No sign, no nothing. In this times, I blame life for taking so many dear people from me. Life is a bitch!

Spring is approaching, birds sing to me in the mornings - they signal new life, new color, and the promise of the sun. But my life went back to winter, it is now again gloomy and cold.

Sitting on the bus full of people, each thinking of what they have to do for the day - all are busy with their lives. I am there too but my mind is wandering somewhere, thinking of the last day I saw Manong Ivan before I left the country.

Tears well up my eyes, they wanted to fall and be free but I tried to hold them. Not giving them the permission to tint my eyes again with red.

The train is about to leave. I rushed in and find my place. Away from the others as the others wanted to. You are an island here... Arriving in my station, I decided to take slow steps. What the heck!? There is no rush. Let them run to catch their next trains but I will take my time.

The tears are back again, I try to hold them back still until I could not breath. It is like choking, no air coming in and out. It is true that you can't control nature. It will always find its way and the well of tears flowed out of my eyes. I could not hold it back anymore, there is no way. The red tint is back and my eyes swell from crying.

Life must go on! Easy to say, always hard to do. Manong Ivan once tried to teach me how. He killed my teddy bear, he said it is a simulation for parting ways. That was hard and that was one of the most painful joke he did to me. He likes to see me crying, I think.

A friend told me that Manong Ivan's last prank to all (his death) is effective - he made me cry and so I made him happy. But if I cry too much, he will be sad. He does not want depressed people.

BUT I will remain depressed for some days (my hard head and me)... But I will again learn to live soon.

Farewell Manong Ivan... Please hug Tito Bico for me!

And my teddy bear has survived your attack!